ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTION...WHO vs. WHAT

I recently attended a Father-Child retreat hosted by my church.  It was a great weekend full of camping, swimming, eating, campfires, fun and fellowship.  Since there where tons of dads and kids I had never met, the opportunity for conversation was everywhere.  When you get a bunch of men together on events like this the conversations usually center around sports, the weather, jobs, and of course the kids.  All in all guys talking to guys is really not much of a spectator sport.  Of course the weekend also provided lots of opportunity to meet and talk to a variety of kids.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love kids.  As a matter of fact, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on kids.  As an principal at a middle school with over 800 students I have more conversations with kids in one week than most adults will have in a lifetime.  I have had conversations about drugs, sex, grades, girls, boys, bullying, college prep, and suicide.  So talking to kids is part of my everyday life.

However, as the weekend went on I soon discovered that in almost 100% of the conversations I heard between the kids and adults one question was always asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Fireman, Princess, Policeman, Teacher, Doctor…..the answers were as varied as the kids.  Funny thing is, the same question gets asked in schools all across the country at least a million times a day.  The more I think about this repeated scenario the more I realize we are asking the wrong question.

Perhaps the question should not be WHAT do you want to be when you grow up, but rather, WHO do you want to be when you grow up.  In his book,RAISING A MODERN DAY KNIGHT, Robert Lewis states that it is imperative that fathers help their children discover their Transcendent Cause- “A mission that lifts us beyond ourselves, a passion that stirs us to a self sacrifice and causes us to contribute to the larger community.”   There is nothing wrong with helping our kids pursue a career path and all the success and rewards that come with it.  However, if we teach the WHAT first are we not robbing them of their true purpose in life?  Lewis states, “That a transcendent cause is not something we do in addition to everything else, rather it is the one factor that motivates everything else we do.”

As a parent and educator I have a responsibility to turn the discussion to the question, “WHO do you want to be?”  By focusing on the WHO rather than the WHAT I have seen the discussions with my students and my own children take on a whole new level of depth and meaning.  It is not an easy question for a 14-17 yr old boy to answer. Heck, it is not an easy question for anyone to answer because it forces you to take a look into the very core of who you are.  A core that many, even most adults, will find void and missing of something.  If you don’t believe me then give it a shot next time you are dealing with a struggling child.  When I ask a student, “WHO do you want to be?”, no matter how much trouble they might cause or what demons they are fighting on a daily basis, I have yet to  get the following answer. “Well Mr. Pekurney I want to be a person that hurts my family, has low expectations for myself, uses my friends, and desires to be a general pain in the butt to everyone I come in contact with.”  The answers I get from my students when confronted with the WHO instead of the WHAT are very open, honest, and deep.  The answers are often filled with the phrases: Helpful-Liked-Motivated-Honest-Caring-Dedicated-Trusted-Committed-Reliable-Loved.  Now the real work can begin. Now we can examine why the actions that put that kid in my office don’t match  the description of the WHO they just stated they wanted to be.  The internal struggle has begun-and true growth comes from such internal struggles.  Once a kid has discovered WHO they want to be then they have to ask themselves two basic questions:

1. What is your vision for WHO you want to be?
2. What is the Code of Conduct to achieve this vision?

My students soon discover that the Code of Conduct for becoming WHO they want to be is often very far from the one they are currently following.  This response is far more complex than the Code of Conduct response I would have gotten if I would have asked-“WHAT do you want to be?”.  What is the Code of Conduct for a mechanic, doctor, teacher, politician, lawyer, construction worker, etc?  Is the not world is full of dishonorable people working in honorable positions?

The question of WHO is even more relevant in our schools today than ever before.  Since the teaching of basic moral values has decreased not only in homes, but also across our culture in general, it has increasingly become the responsibility of our school systems to pick up this banner.  In 1987 “CBS Evening News” reported about the problems our school systems face now as opposed to 1940.  In 1940 the the seven major problems reported by schools were:

1. Talking out of turn
2. Chewing gum
3. Making noise
4. Running in the halls
5. Cutting in line
6. Violating the dress code
7. Littering

Today, seventy years later, the seven major problems reported by schools are:

1. Drug abuse
2. Alcohol abuse
3. Pregnancy
4. Suicide
5. Rape
6. Robbery
7. Assault

William Kilpatrick states, “Parents cannot, as they once did, rely on the culture to reinforce home values.  In fact, they can expect that many of the cultural forces influencing their children will be actively undermining those values.”  Thus it becomes the responsibility of all educators to not only prepare our students to answer the WHAT our students are to become but also focus equal attention to the WHO our students are to become.  But where do we start?

The answer lies within.  We must seize this time period of major educational reform to look at ourselves not only in term of WHAT school systems should become but also examine WHO we want to become.  It seems that recently our profession has turned to the WHAT and HOW questions.  What subjects should we teach?  How can we embrace new methods and techniques to teach these subjects better?  These questions are well worth debate and research.  But are they the only questions worth asking?  Parker J. Palmer addresses this issue in his book, “The Courage To Teach“.  Palmer states, “In our rush to reform education, we have forgotten a simple truth: reform will never be achieved by renewing appropriations, restructuring schools, rewriting curricula, embracing technology, and revising text… none of that will transform education if we fail to cherish-and challenge-the human heart that is the source of good teaching.” Palmer goes on to state, “If we stopped lobbing pedagogical points at each other and spoke about WHO we are as teachers, a remarkable thing might happen: identity and integrity might grow within us and among us, instead of hardening as they do when we defend our fixed positions from the foxholes of the pedagogy wars.”   It is within these quotes that we can free up our teachers to embrace new techniques (mainly technology) within their classrooms.  As we learn more about who we are, we can learn new techniques that reveal rather than conceal the person from which good teaching comes. We will create a culture that encourages teachers to embrace these techniques as they use them to manifest more fully the gift of self from which our best teaching comes. It is through this knowledge of  our WHO that the WHAT, WHY, and HOW can be answered to the fullest extent. As leaders in the field of education we have to do more to recruit, hire, and cultivate people whose transcendent cause is teaching.  Palmer states, “How many teachers inflict their own pain on their students, the pain that comes from doing what never was, or no longer is their true work? ….If the work we do lacks integrity and a sense of the true sense of self within us, then we, the work, and the people we do it with will suffer.”

As we all start the beginning of a new school year, I want to leave you with these final words from the book “The Courage To Teach“.

Trace the word professional back to its origins and you will find that it refers to someone who makes a “profession of faith” in the midst of a disheartening world.  Sadly, the meaning of the word became diminished as the centuries rolled by, and today its root meaning has all but disappeared.  By “professional” we now mean someone who possesses specialized knowledge and has mastered certain techniques in matters too esoteric for the laity to understand and has received an education proudly proclaimed to be “value-free.”

The notion of the “new professional” revives the ancient meaning of the word.  The new professional is a person who can say, “In the midst of the powerful force field of institutional life, where so much might compromise my core values, I have found firm ground on which to stand-the ground of my own identity and integrity, of my own soul-ground from which I can call myself, my colleagues, and my workplace back to our true mission.”

It’s time we lead our children, our students, our staffs, and most importantly-ourselves, on a journey to answer the question-WHO do you want to be?

Sources Sited

Palmer J. Parker, The Courage To Teach (John Wiley & Sons Inc., 2007) p. 25, p. 212-213

Robert Lewis, Raising A Modern-Day Knight (Focus on the Family, 1997) p. 63-65